Grasshopper.

As far back as I can remember, I have been searching for that elusive piece of wisdom that would be the keystone for living a full and happy life.

There have been a number of contenders over the years, but have quite often been too limited in their range of applicable real-world situations. For example, asking myself ‘what would James Bond do?’ may have been appropriate when trying to chat up the laydeez in a bar, or when clinging precariously to a rocky outcrop in North Wales. When faced with dealing with a long queue in the bank however, the resulting course of action would be at best inappropriate and probably illegal.

Others that have been tried on for size have either been a bit too vague (It is what it is), a bit too rigorous (Do or do not. There is no ‘try’) or a bit too aloof (Never look back, never explain and never apologise). I was beginning to think that the only way I would find true enlightenment would be to trek barefoot through the Nepalese wilderness and track down a mountain-top hermit with a baldy head, wispy beard and a distrust of all things material.

As it turns out, not so much.

Enlightenment is a four word sentence. But it gets better; it’s only the structure and middle section that’s fixed, giving the seeker of wisdom the opportunity to modify to suit the situation. It goes like this:

X The Fuck Y

Some examples:

“I’m having a bad day, things are going wrong and I’m upset.”

Cheer The Fuck Up.

“I seem to be making decisions that are quite poor, making my life more difficult as a result.”

Wise The Fuck Up.

“I’ve followed the ‘what would James Bond do’ philosophy in a bar and the lady who I have chatted up appears to have an angry burly husband.”

Sit The Fuck Down and Shut The Fuck Up

Or

Run The Fuck Away

See? Works every time. Once the basics are mastered you can even move on to more complex arrangements, combining elements of ancient Latin wisdom. I currently favour ‘Carpe The Fucking Diem’.

If I could be arsed to eschew modern society, find a decent mountain and grow a wispy beard I would be legend.

NDC