Monday, 28 November 2011


Super, my favourite (and once again only) employee doesn't have kids. She isn't keen on them. She says they take up too much time, expense and emotional input. To be absolutely honest, that's my editorial interpretation of her views on children. The verbatim version has too many swearwords even for the interwebz.

Instead she has a dog. This, I am told on a regular basis, is in no way a child substitute.

Why yes, they are indeed pink socks. With little hearts on them.


Wednesday, 9 November 2011

Every Day's a School Day.

Currently The Boy Wonder is sleeping the sleep of the just (or is he just asleep? I'm never quite sure), at my place.

We have tackled the three Rs tonight in a continued drive to educate and edify him:

In the car on the way over we were sitting at a T junction and he was reading the roadsign opposite. "Leicester Forest East, one and one quarter miles", he cheerfully stated. I was surprised and asked if he knew what a quarter was.

"It's a half of a half" he replied, without hesitation. I was impressed and decided to add to his already impressive knowledge. I told him it was called a fraction. he asked what a fraction was, so I told him that a fraction was a number smaller than one.

"Like zero?" he asked.

TBW - 1
Dad - 0.

Later we had to think up words with "oa", "ai" or "oi" in them and write them down. we came up with a good list and wrote them all down. I then drew this picture for him:

Yes, that's right. It's a gOAt on a trAIn track. I'm sorry to say that's my writing, not his.

Anyway, he laughed until tears were running down his face. I don't think the NUT will be looking to sign me up anytime soon (either for English or Art), but at least I feel like I levelled the scores a little.


Monday, 7 November 2011

Tales From the Riverbank

This morning I awoke with a bit of a start. As conciousness finally burned its way through the murk of the dream that gripped me, I found myself laying safe and warm in bed in the arms of the beautiful FMA. She was making soothing noises and looking concerned. Once I'd got my bearings she told me that I'd been thrashing about* and asked what I'd been dreaming about.

I explained;

In my dream I had been sitting on a sofa in a marquee with several other people. There was a paddling pool in front of the sofa with an otter in it and we were being instructed by Johnny Kingdom on the best way to get the otter's attention**. All was going well but the marquee was hot, so I decided to cool myself down by taking off my shoes and socks and putting my feet in the paddling pool. With the otter.

As I sat chatting, my feet nicely cool, to the chap sitting next to me on the sofa somebody on the other side of the paddling pool caught my attention and started gesticulating enthusiastically towards the water. Alarmingly I now had a very angry otter attached to my big toe. I calmy began to shake my foot about to dislodge the bugger. It held on for a few moments, I was still calm. The otter then let go, arced gracefully though the air and ended up getting stuck in the pocket of my hoody.

This was the point at which I freaked out and woke up.

The lovely FMA looked bewildered with the explanation. She voiced her concerns about my grip on sanity. She asked 'why the feck' I thought it was a good idea to put my feet in a pond with an otter in it.

"It wasn't a pond, it was a paddling pool." I offered, by way of explanation.

"I don't care if it's a pond, a paddling pool or whatever. If it's got animals in it dinnae*** be putting yer feet in it, you muppet".

Hmmm, maybe the gift voucher for the Garra Rufa fish pedicure I've bought her for Christmas needs a rethink then....


* - No, not in a smutty way.

** - According to the Johnny Kingdom in my dream, they have movement based vision and therefore respond best to light and shade. I have no idea if this is true.

*** - FMA is a Scot. Apart from when she's cross and then she's a Glaswegian.

Thursday, 3 November 2011

Unsolicited Calls

This morning I had a telephone call from a gentleman called Stephen. He assured me that he was from E-on, but under close questioning revealed that he was actually from a company working on behalf of E-on. Quite whether E-on actually knew that this company was working on their behalf remained elegantly vague throughout the conversation. The fact that we are with E-on for our business energy suggests maybe not.

Anyway, surprisingly enough Stephen was keen to find out when our contract expired. I am quite experienced in these phonecalls as we get quite a few over the space of a week, so I told him that we had only just signed a new 2 year contract. At this point The Stephen usually realises the horse is dead, goes to find another one to flog and I can get on with whatever I was doing.

But not this Stephen.

"Do you have any other premises that may be coming to the end of their contracts?"

"Actually we do" I lied. "Would you like their phone number?"

Stephen cheerfully took down the number as I read it from the computer screen. Directly from the E-on website. It was clearly printed under the heading "Customer Enquiries".

"The guy you need to speak to is called Stephen" I added, in what I hope was a helpful manner.

He went cheerfully on his way to perform the telesales equivalent of placing two mirrors in front of each other and I went off happily to make a cuppa. Yes I know it's childish.