Ammunition

To be played in approximately 11.5 years, on a large screen, preferably as the film's subject is making his way down his 4th pint of Scruttock's Old Nasty at the bar with his mates at his 18th birthday bash.....

NDC

Ah, The Boy Wonder.

He's been on holiday with his mother over the last week or so. Details, as always, were sketchy on what exactly he got up to whilst away but when I asked him to tell me the best thing that happened, he was absolutely in no doubt.

"I threw pizza at a pig."

Well, who wouldn't love that?*

Anyway, he came over to us on Sunday when he got back and was just brilliant fun. He's become a little obsessed with a lego robot building game, but my attention span is a little shorter than his so I was bored after a couple of rounds. Here's the resulting Lego Robot Olympic Tribute Diorama:

The green one on the left is Usain Bolt, the red one on the right is Mo Farah. The cheery gap-toothed one at the back is the Olympic crowd.


NDC

* - The pig, presumably.

Like Water Flowing Downhill....

The Boy Wonder has had Chickenpox this week.

We had long discussions about the importance of not scratching the spots to ensure that he doesn't end up with a load of scars. He told me that his Mum had already told him all about it and that he wasn't scratching at all. He did mention that sometimes his clothes rub against his skin though. I told him that it was OK, there wasn't much he could do about that. Don't worry.

He's a pretty compliant sort and will respect the rules if they're clear, but he's inherited my tendency to understand the rules of the game and find ways to work within them to get the desired result.

During our time together I can honestly report that he did not scratch. Not once.

What he did do every 5 minutes however, was what I can only describe as an amalgamation of The Funky Chicken, The Macarena and several Bruce Lee movies in order to make his clothes rub against his skin 'sometimes'.

I think at some point we'll schedule a discussion on the differences between the letter of the law and the spirit of the law.

NDC

Size Matters

This morning I was up pretty early. My alarm went of and I was out of bed faster than Ben Johnson coming out of the chemist*, which is quite unusual for me. Suffice to say I am not usually a morning person. A crowbar/flamethrower/rabid dog is usually required to encourage me out of a warm bed on a winter's morning.

Maybe it was the fact that the sun was shining and mother nature was trying on her first spring outfit of the year, maybe it was because I'm starting to feel a little more human again after several days of a cold I just couldn't shift, maybe it was that I knew I had to get The Boy Wonder back to his mum before going to work. Whatevever it was I love these days. I love the feeling of being ahead of the curve at the start of the day, I just wish I could do it more often.

The other benefit of my non-horizontal aspect this morning was that the lovely FMA got coffee and toast made for her and delivered to her in bed. This is one of her most favourite things in the whole world so she was a happy bunny indeed. We have quite different requirements from our coffee - see below:

Mine's the one on the right. It's probably a good thing that I'm not an insecure kinda guy. The Boy Wonder thinks it's hilarious.

NDC

* - Yes, I know this speaks volume about my age, but it's a turn of phrase I have loved for years. Just like "I have more chance of humping Madonna".

Squashed Tomatoes And Stew

Today is The Boy Wonder's 6th Birthday.


Happy Birthday Sunshine, you mean the world to me.

I just wish you wouldn't keep taking calls from your broker during dinner.

DAD.

Shake Your Tailfeather

Did you know there's a patron saint of small businesses? Neither did I until about 20 minutes ago.

Days like today make me think that St Homobonus (for it is he) knows about me though. They make me wonder if he knows my views on religion, knows just how much I laugh at Father Ted, and is trying to make a point. The ecclesiastical equivalent of a brick through the window.

Lets just say I'm getting a bit cheesed off with the economy and its effect on my customers.

But things brightened up considerably this evening. The Boy Wonder and I went swimming. There were many moments of joy, including his enthusiastic monologue on the culture and tribal customs of the Aborigine people as we were getting dressed afterwards. He waited until we were in the communal part of the changing rooms and then demonstrated his interpretation of their tribal dances.

Now to be fair I'm no expert on such things,  but all I can say is that if his display was even close to accurate I'm surprised that the whole Aborigine nation isn't up in court on indecency charges. There was rather too much wild gyration for my liking, or for the most of the mothers in the changing rooms for that matter.

After I'd placated Hermione and her mum, we headed off to the chippy and sat and ate chips in the car. We chatted happily about everything and nothing, before heading home.

Around 9ish I heard him calling. He stood at the top of the stairs and told me, in earnest tones, that I should have an early night if I didn't want to get fat.

So there you go. It's not the cake that causes the problem, it's staying up to watch Paxman on Newsnight. I just hope that Weightwatchers Ltd is on the right side of St Homobonus. I predict tough trading when the news gets out.

NDC

Every Day's a School Day.

Currently The Boy Wonder is sleeping the sleep of the just (or is he just asleep? I'm never quite sure), at my place.

We have tackled the three Rs tonight in a continued drive to educate and edify him:

In the car on the way over we were sitting at a T junction and he was reading the roadsign opposite. "Leicester Forest East, one and one quarter miles", he cheerfully stated. I was surprised and asked if he knew what a quarter was.

"It's a half of a half" he replied, without hesitation. I was impressed and decided to add to his already impressive knowledge. I told him it was called a fraction. he asked what a fraction was, so I told him that a fraction was a number smaller than one.

"Like zero?" he asked.

TBW - 1
Dad - 0.

Later we had to think up words with "oa", "ai" or "oi" in them and write them down. we came up with a good list and wrote them all down. I then drew this picture for him:

Yes, that's right. It's a gOAt on a trAIn track. I'm sorry to say that's my writing, not his.

Anyway, he laughed until tears were running down his face. I don't think the NUT will be looking to sign me up anytime soon (either for English or Art), but at least I feel like I levelled the scores a little.

NDC

Things I Have Learnt This Weekend

Yesterday I had The Boy Wonder for the day, I love the time I get to spend with him whatever we do, whatever his (or for that matter, my) mood. Time with him makes me happy beyond words, and it's quite often a learning experience too. Occasionally for him, but mainly for me.

Here's a summary of yesterday's gems of knowledge, straight from the oracle that is my son (age 5):

• 'Batman' is a perfectly acceptable name for a cat.
• He likes The Saturdays' new song 'Notorious', unless I sing it. That just hurts his ears and makes him feel poorly.
• Beyonce is not a Pterodactyl. I know, I was surprised too, but if you look closely the signs are there.

A Pterodactyl

Beyonce

But here's my absolute favourite vignette from yesterday. He has taken to dropping the 'T' sound from words, using a glottal* stop instead. I am constantly pulling him up on it, it's become a great new game for us. He told me that T-rex was "be'er" than Diplodocus. This is the conversation that followed:

Me: "How many Ts are there in Better?"

TBW: "2"

Me: "So we say them both, don't we?"

TBW: "Better"

Me: "Thank you."

TBW: "There are 2 Ts in 'butter', aren't there?"

Me: "That's right."

TBW: "But only one T in 'but'."

Me: "You're right, that's very good!"

TBW: "There are 2 Ks in 'Dalek'."

Me: "Ah, no sunshine. There's only one K in 'Dalek'."

TBW: "Not if there's 2 Daleks."

Five years old and he already has the measure of me. Sigh.

NDC

* - Is it just me, or is it funny that 'Glottal' has two Ts in it?

Blood, Sweat and (nearly) Tears

Blood, sweat and (nearly) tears
Originally uploaded by geezer742uk

Here it is. The distillation of 6 months of commitment through all the training. Of nearly 6 hours of focus on the day, refusing to give up. Of quite a lot of running.

On 17th April 2011 I ran what may well be the only marathon I ever run. I was amazed, amused and humbled by the people who I passed and who passed me.

• The guy dressed up as a second world war fighter pilot (complete with pipe).
• The two guys carrying a full size surfboard.
• The 2 girls who span hulahoops for the entire distance (at a pace that I struggled to stay with).
• The several Army and Firefighter guys in full kit
• The guy in full Bomb Disposal kit (the real deal, complete with bombproof armour and helmet).

I salute you all. You all have a grit and determination that is just astonishing.

But as for my little adventure, well there were a few high points. Stopping on the course just before the finish line to see The Boy Wonder in the crowd, running back to give him a hug and seeing how excited he was is something I will never forget. 

So for now, I have my feet up, a bag of frozen peas strategically placed to reduce the pain and I'm looking forward to joining  FMA on holiday next week. No more running.

For now.

NDC

Napoleon Dynamite.

Last night The Boy Wonder stayed over at Reality Towers. There was laughing and pizza and den building a go-go.

What follows is a classified transcript of the campaign briefing in the command centre* at Reality Towers, 19.05hrs zulu time.

++++Personnel present:++++

Commander Vert Wheeler (AKA The Boy Wonder)
Agent Bumblebee (AKA Daddy)
Corporal Doggy (AKA Doggy, a small soft toy)

++++++++

Agent Bumblebee - OK Commander Vert, what's the plan?

Commander Vert Wheeler - Well, we'll drive around in our cars and then we'll drive into a big storm and fly and then we'll find the baddies and then we'll stop them from being badddies.

AB - That sounds like a brilliant plan, Commander. How will we stop them being baddies?

CVW - Well, we'll tell them that we don't like baddies and that we'll take away their cars and that we know Doctor Who and then we'll drive into the big storm and our cars will turn into robot planes and we'll fly away from the baddy boys.

AB - Sounds foolproof commander, let's go!

CVW - Yes! And then when we've beaten the baddies we can have a nice picnic.**

Corporal Doggy - Woof.

++++SitRep ends++++Classified+++++Eyes Only+++++

I'm no military expert, but I think as campaign strategies go this one was unorthodox to say the least.

Although, and maybe this is just my middle class upbringing, I do think that perhaps more of the world's conflicts would be settled more expediently if The Geneva Convention had a clause stating that all combatants would be taken on a picnic after hostilities are concluded.

After all, who wouldn't get a wiggle on to get to sit on a tartan blanket in the sunshine eating quiche a little bit earlier?

NDC


* - OK, the "command centre" was actually a kingsize duvet and 2 towels hung over a clothes airer.
** - At this point Agent Bumblebee almost forgot his military training and collapsed into a fit of giggles.

The Seventh Deadly Sin

Last night was parent's evening, the first since The Boy Wonder started 'proper school'.

He and I had spoken about it briefly on the phone a couple of nights ago and there was great excitement in his voice. I asked him if his teacher would say that he'd been a good boy. There was a pause. Quite a long one. "She might say I had a time out* once or twice".

I hoped for the best and prepared myself for the worst.

After waiting an interminably long period of time on unfeasibly small chairs in a room at the school that could only be described as Laurence Llewellyn-Bowen's nightmare made real (Small children do love primary colours, don't they?) we were summoned in see the teacher.

As we wandered through the door I looked down at TBW. I could see the look of apprehension on his face. and realised that the fun and games we had been enjoying in the holding pen had evaporated from his mind. I remembered my less-than-stellar school career and the sinking feeling of parent's evenings, squeezed his hand and smiled at him.

His teacher is fantastic. She was warm and freindly and clearly has a huge amount of time for TBW. He is doing incredibly well and is way ahead of the game in reading, writing and 'rithmetic.

When I started writing this blog I thought that it'd be nice for him to read one day when he's older. I'm now concerned that I've already set the reading age too low for his current abilities.

Yes I know that it's one of the seven cardinal sins, but I don't care. I honestly think I might burst with pride.

You, Sunshine, mean the world to me. Fact.

NDC

* - If you have kids under 8 you will know what this is. 
For those of you with kids between 8 and 15 think equivalent to  'The Naughty Step'. 
For those with kids between 16 and 20 think equivalent to  'A Good Telling Off'. 
For those of you without kids and older than 35 think equivalent to 'A Clip Round The Ear And Bed With No Tea'.