Monday, 7 November 2011

Tales From the Riverbank

This morning I awoke with a bit of a start. As conciousness finally burned its way through the murk of the dream that gripped me, I found myself laying safe and warm in bed in the arms of the beautiful FMA. She was making soothing noises and looking concerned. Once I'd got my bearings she told me that I'd been thrashing about* and asked what I'd been dreaming about.

I explained;

In my dream I had been sitting on a sofa in a marquee with several other people. There was a paddling pool in front of the sofa with an otter in it and we were being instructed by Johnny Kingdom on the best way to get the otter's attention**. All was going well but the marquee was hot, so I decided to cool myself down by taking off my shoes and socks and putting my feet in the paddling pool. With the otter.

As I sat chatting, my feet nicely cool, to the chap sitting next to me on the sofa somebody on the other side of the paddling pool caught my attention and started gesticulating enthusiastically towards the water. Alarmingly I now had a very angry otter attached to my big toe. I calmy began to shake my foot about to dislodge the bugger. It held on for a few moments, I was still calm. The otter then let go, arced gracefully though the air and ended up getting stuck in the pocket of my hoody.

This was the point at which I freaked out and woke up.

The lovely FMA looked bewildered with the explanation. She voiced her concerns about my grip on sanity. She asked 'why the feck' I thought it was a good idea to put my feet in a pond with an otter in it.

"It wasn't a pond, it was a paddling pool." I offered, by way of explanation.

"I don't care if it's a pond, a paddling pool or whatever. If it's got animals in it dinnae*** be putting yer feet in it, you muppet".

Hmmm, maybe the gift voucher for the Garra Rufa fish pedicure I've bought her for Christmas needs a rethink then....


* - No, not in a smutty way.

** - According to the Johnny Kingdom in my dream, they have movement based vision and therefore respond best to light and shade. I have no idea if this is true.

*** - FMA is a Scot. Apart from when she's cross and then she's a Glaswegian.


  1. I was once woken up by the Shah holding one leg aloft in the middle of the night and, thus, pulling all the duvet off me. I couldn't seem to wake him up so I just punched him a few times until he lowered it. In the morning, he explained that, in his dream, he had been synchronised swimming....

  2. Yes. I think you may have been wiser to keep your dream away from FMA. I heard that if someone dips your finger in water when you're asleep it makes you wee. Is the same if you dip your toes in water in a dream?

  3. Right, I have carefully read this report of the dream, I have taken into consideration all the 'ingredients' of aforementioned dream and I am now able to let you know what it all had too much to drink the night before or you are crazzzzzeeeeeee.....take your pick!

  4. CQ - I hope it was his own leg he was holding aloft.

    NB - I can confirm that placing a sleeping person's hand in water will make them wee. For best results water should be tepid.

    Libby - Crazy like a fox. Ahem.